McDonald's (April Fools)

When you think of the word “luxury”, you think of Korean pears, Rolex watches, 3-ply toilet paper, and McDonald’s Restaurants. This long-standing symbol of culinary excellence has become a household name, known for its great prices, rapey clown spokesman, and cutting edge food engineering. Let’s face it, genetically modified and enhanced foods are the wave of the future, and McDonald’s has been at the forefront for many many years. Few other restaurants have been able to create hamburgers and French fries that look and taste the same for months upon months. It’s truly an impressive feat. Gainesville is home to a number of these upscale eateries, all housed inside state-of-the-art facilities that offer free wi-fi. Some even have computers built into the walls! For this particular review, I visited the Archer Road location with my dear friend, Mr. Dave Carlson of the Gainesville Sun. Dave has such a sophisticated palate, and has eaten so much great food in his life, I was honored to join him at one of his favorite restaurants in town. Some say his reviews are setting Gainesville’s restaurant scene back a decade, or that he doesn’t really understand what good food is, or that he gets paid by restaurants to review them, or that he referred to Yummy House staff as “language challenged” and came across as a racist, I say he’s just beyond his time. How can I argue with a man who enjoys McDonald’s? Upon entering the restaurant, I was met by warm welcomes of “whutchu want?” and “u order?” by the friendly staff. I looked around and noticed many of them were standing idle, chattering amongst each other despite having many pending orders. They were clearly star-struck and excited about our visit. I felt honored by the respect they showed. I took a look at the wide variety of options available to me, and ultimately decided on the McChicken ($1 – chicken, lettuce, mayo, soft buns), Small Fries ($1 – pre-packaged potato sticks fried in aged oil), and a sweet tea ($1 – sugar water mixed with tea flavor extract). When I saw my total was $3.18, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Surely, it was a mistake on the part of Curtisha, my friendly cashier. But it was not. I could not believe the value I was getting. The McChicken was a delicious piece of chicken (that I’m told will last months without refrigeration, how do they do it?) wedged between two slices of the softest and most moist buns I have ever tasted. What I love about this dish is the simplicity. The only toppings on the meat were a small dollop of genetically modified lettuce and some mayo. If you’re a science geek like me, you’ll love eating this engineering feat! Don’t even get me started on the fries! To put it simply, they are the best fries I have ever had in my life. Although up until tonight, I have been enjoying these tasty little sticks of Jesus with the wrong technique! My dear friend, Mr. Dave Carlson, introduced me to the proper way. Pour the fries out onto the table, and grab ahold of your pile with your hand, then shove them into your mouth and eat them as fast as possible (please see illustration). Using this method, I was able to taste the beef extract powder, the perfect amount of iodized salt, and fresh taste of vegetable oil. You’ll have to try it to believe it! While my meal was certainly a great value, some of the other items on the menu can be a little bit more expensive. These items include the McDouble ($1), Parfait ($1), Hot ‘N Spicy McChicken ($1), and 3 Cookies ($1). I’m told the breakfast is equally wonderful, and offers items like the Sausage Burrito ($1), Sausage McMuffin ($1), and the Sausage Biscuit ($1). While some of these items are a little on the pricier side, it’s actually an incredibly value for the luxurious food you get. It’s almost like eating a fine Coach purse. The next time you and your date are looking for a nice quiet evening on the town, forget places like Ember’s, Dragonfly, Manuel’s Vintage Room, or even Sabore. Scientific studies have shown that the tender aroma of McDonald’s fry oil, mixed with the ever-present scent of urine and cleaning solution is the most effect erotic sensory stimulant. So if you relish a good burger, head over to McDonald’s, they’re more than just a pretty face. They may have a funny name, but some serious food. You won’t just get a pair of fives at Mickey D’s, just quality food and service. Tell them Dave sent you, and get a free meal on the Gainesville Sun! For franchising opportunities, contact Ronald McDonald at


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© 2020 by Ken Peng & Ken Eats, LLC. Title image courtesy of Jesse Adrian Scanlon Media.

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